The NQPT - Nederland Quick Personality Test

Copyright 2000 by Mark Cohen

 

              

AMATEUR PSYCHOLOGIST DEVELOPS QUICK PERSONALITY TEST:

TEN QUESTION TEST MAKES MMPI OBSOLETE

 

 

               NEDERLAND, CO -- An amateur psychologist living here has developed a personality inventory certain to make the test now used by most mental health professionals obsolete.

 

               Mark Cohen, the former lawyer who founded the Unitarian Redneck Movement, says his ten-question test is more accurate and easier to interpret than the MMPI -- the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory.  Although the MMPI is widely used as a diagnostic tool, Cohen says the 566 item MMPI "is so complicated you need a PhD to interpret it."

 

               Cohen's test, the NQPT (Nederland Quick Personality Test), has won praise from many members of the mental health profession.  "I always thought the MMPI was junk," says Dr. Scott McCutcheon, a professor of psychology at the Jungian Institute of Juneau.  "I mean, either a guy's bonkers or he isn't; ten questions are more than enough."

 

               Dr. Norbert Solomonson agrees.  A psychiatrist at the Louisiana State Penitentiary, Dr. Solomonson says, "the MMPI is overrated.  Hell, spending two hours staring at all those little ovals with a number two pencil in your hand would make anyone crazy."

 

               Cohen developed the test to assist him in screening job applicants when he was the managing partner of Cohen, Vacanti & Higgins -- an Omaha law firm.  Human resources managers have praised Cohen's test.  Vicki Westphal, director of personnel for the Minneapolis based Conglomerated Lipstick International, raves about it.  "Since we began using the NQPT," she says, "we haven't hired a single moron."

 

               Not everyone thinks Cohen's test is valid.  Dr. George Vandenberg, author of thirteen books on psychological testing, claims the test is too simplistic.  "It does not," he complains, "utilize the empirical, rational and factor analytic approaches; hence, it cannot correlate descriptive, predictive, diagnostic and prognostic information."

 

               Cohen dismisses Vandenberg's criticism.  "First of all," says Cohen, "George must be close to one hundred years old.  Secondly, he's always been a bit wacko; he still refuses to admit that Count Chocula is better than Frankenberry."

 

               Cohen now devotes most of his time to volunteer activities.  Struck by the number of people struggling to be good human beings without giving up all the fun things in life, he conducts frequent counseling and group therapy sessions.  "Hell," he says, "I read The Road Less Traveled and I enjoyed it; that doesn't mean I don't get kick out of putting a bullet through a road sign now and then."

 

               Cohen's test consists of ten true/false questions:

 

               THE NQPT -- Nederland Quick Personality Test

 

               1. I often slow down as I approach the freeway on the ACCELERATION ramp.

 

               2. I sometimes wish I was a meteorologist so I could study meteors.

 

               3. I frequently find myself worrying about what will happen when the sun burns out and becomes a black hole.

 

               4. At times I am strongly attracted to ring-tailed lemurs.

 

               5. Nothing has really been the same since the Grass Roots broke up.

 

               6. I frequently find myself worrying about what will happen when the sun burns out and becomes a black hole.

 

               7. I certainly feel pontintudinal at times.

 

               8. Orange juice isn't just for breakfast anymore.

 

               9. Good communication is more important than good sex in a healthy marriage.

 

               10. Theoretically, I still have a chance of being elected President of the United States.

 

               NPQT -- Interpretation Guide

 

               Question 1:  A true answer indicates the subject is a complete moron.  Because this has been determined with certainty, there is no need to score the remaining nine questions.

 

               Question 2:  A true answer indicates the subject is of low intelligence.  A false answer means nothing; a person may think meteorologists study meteors, but may have no desire to study them himself.

              

               Question 3:  A true answer indicates the subject is an intelligent, sensitive individual concerned about the future of mankind.  Such people frequently have trouble adapting in our society.

 

               Question 4:  Prior to the adoption of the DSM-IV, a person who answered "true" would have been classified as having a ring-tailed lemur sexual identity disorder.  Recent advances in science have taught us that certain people are genetically predisposed to ring-tailed lemurs at birth through no fault of their own, and it is wrong to label them as mentally ill.  This sexual preference is their own business, and is largely inherited.  Also, ring-tailed lemurs are very cute.

 

               Question 5:  A true answer indicates the subject has good taste.  A false answer indicates sociopathic tendencies.

 

               Question 6:  This is a control question because it is identical to Question 3.  If the subject gave different answers to Questions 3 and 6, he is too stupid to realize he was just asked the same question a few questions back.

 

               Question 7:  There is no such word; I made it up.  A true answer indicates the subject possesses sufficient bullshitting ability to function in our culture; if such a word existed, we would all feel that way at times.  A false answer indicates the subject is too honest.

 

               Question 8.  A false answer indicates extreme rigidity and possible violent tendencies.  Such people frequently find employment with the Postal Service.

 

               Question 9.  A true answer indicates the subject is a female or homosexual male; a false answer indicates the subject is a heterosexual male.

 

               Question 10:  Prior to the election of George W Bush, a true answer would have indicated advanced dementia or delusional thinking; however, after the election of George W. Bush, a false answer indicates advanced dementia or delusional thinking.