Pope Uses Easter to call for Peace and Diplomacy

 

Diplomatic channels were buzzing at the totally unexpected public announcement today from former Nazi and protector of American pedophile priests Pope “Ratzo” Benedict on Easter.  The normally staid and unemotional papal press corps was dumbfounded, and several were injured rushing to their ……well, reaching into their coat pockets and grabbing their cell phones to call in this totally unexpected speech.

 

The Pontiff expressed his alleged desire for peace and prosperity in honor of the Christ, seeing as how it would gibe well with what we think we know of Jesus’ expressed wishes for his flock.   This, in a break in tradition from previous years, as in 1992 when JP II called for Blue Jean Sundays in Cathedral Services, or in 1966 when the Pope announced Hard Liquor and Handgun Bingo Nights were perfectly permissible, or in 1896, when the Pope announced that not only was he infallible but he was having the Shroud of Turin made into a vampire cape for Halloween for a party at the Eulenberg Estates.  The expectations for bizarre and offensive announcements by the Pope on Easter have prompted some to fear the new if elderly Pope would declare Allan Ginsberg a Saint (14-3 in Vegas) or elevate the winner of the 2006 Survivor series to the College of Cardinals.    

 

Pentagon Announces It Destroyed Bush’s Military Records

 

Hey, mistakes happen, don’t they?  Supposedly, the records had been made available a long time ago, but when investigators said they were incomplete, the military said it would look….and look.  And gosh, darn!  The pay stubs that would have proven George Bush isn’t a posturing fraud were accidently destroyed.  Kinda on purpose, and the news released on a Friday for maximum deflation, but mostly on purpose, you know. 

 

We’re shocked!  Shocked, I tell you!

 

People Just Keep Asking and Asking and I Finally Broke Down

Former "Baywatch" actor Michael Bergin, after stints as Othello with the Royal Shakespeare Company, seven top ranking movies, and the adoration of his professional thespian peers, now reveals he had an affair with John F. Kennedy Jr.'s wife, Carolyn Bessette, less than a year after she was married.  He says this in a book recounting his many life achievements and in response to the requests of the world for details.   Bergin, a longtime friend of Carolyn Bessette's, said his affair with Bessette as a married woman began in Los Angeles in 1997, when she spent 11 days with him after saying Kennedy was on a kayaking trip with his friends.

Cynics only suggest that this once barely employed actor has thrown a saddle across the waterlogged coffin of Bessette and, by extension, Kennedy to ride into history’s footnotes accrediting unimportance.  While Kennedy was considered something of a restrained and tasteful showboat, at least in comparison to what life made available to him, his wife was known for shyness and reticence and was completely happy out of the photoflash life, and never sought out journalists.  “I mean, for Christ’s sake, even if it’s true, and it’s only his word, other than his own ego what is being served by revealing this?” said noted skank and generally desperate for attention herself Paris Hilton. 

“If it’s true, than the possibility exists that Bessette, mortified by her dalliance with such a shit, forced the plane down in clear suicide/murder,” suggested famed debunker James Randi.  “I mean, the stars suggest it.  And there were all those UFO’s.”

Bergen is inconsolable.  "I never really got a chance to say goodbye," he said. "Oh, God. I just, uh, I blocked so much of it out of me, for all these years and it's just, I think I'm reliving it right now."

“Reliving what?” asks Joey Buttafucco.  “All these years?  Five, this summer, I think.”  Buttafucco looked annoyed.  “I can’t shake thinking that he’s just trying to attract attention to himself.”

Also, I Don’t Approve of an Investigation of the Florida Recount……

 

President Bush says today, January 30, that he doesn’t back an independent investigation of the ‘intelligence’ (plus his fabrications and lies) that brought the US to invade Iraq.  This is two days after his health plan was revealed to cost at least thirty percent, and probably much more, than he claimed at the time

 

Just Kidding! Hey,Two Zulus Walk into a Bar with Shrunken Heads and Ask for White Women.….

 

In Windhoek, Namibia, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva elevated himself from a non-entity from Brazil to one of the stupidest diplomats of the century.  Of course, it’s only three years old.

 

At his departure, with the President of Namibia at his side, Lula Da Silva praised Namibia's capital city as being so clean it didn't seem, well, African.  Lula da Silva poses as a champion of the world's poor.

 

 It’s Possible There Might Be More!

 

India has said ‘up to 100’ people may be dead in flash floods in a remote area. (http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SOUTH_ASIA_FLOODS?SITE=COBOU&SECTION=HOME) This is like earthquake damage in, say, China.  “Four confirmed dead” in 7.3 earthquake near cities and towns made of mud where up to 7 million people live.  Do you think the tally will go up some???  Why do governments continue to issue such ludicrous death tallies.  The Mayor of New York, after our September 11 horror, truthfully stated the final tally would be ‘more than we can bear.’  It turned out to be at the low end of that statement.  What could have been a 50k day if both planes had hit further down and the buildings had folded over and not pancaked, was ‘only’ about 2500.  But third world nations insist on such ludicrous statements that nobody, especially their own citizens, believe.  In any case, when the tally reaches the thousands, the yawns hereabouts will be deafening.

 

NO! Not HER!  Is there no justice??  She Drove Home SLOWLY your honor.  We’ve convicted her of caring too much…….

 

The Texas woman who was guilty of hit and run with the body in the windshield and who left in her car was not excused.  Christ, what IS this nation coming to? http://apnews.excite.com/article/20030626/D7RTNHEO0.html

 

Shocker!  Can Richard Simmons be far behind???

 

Richard Chamberlain, once star of Doctor Kildare, Father Ralph in The Thorn Birds, and the protagonist of Shogun, among many other bodice ripping yarns of the sort cherished by demented, dreamy women, has announced he is, and always has been, gay.  The announcement surprised nobody, since his mannerisms had indicated as much for decades.  It’s to be wondered if Chamberlain made this announcement now because he actually thought nobody knew, or if he needs work, or if he thought being gay in Hollywood was a burden?  Sean Connery making this announcement would indeed be a shocker.  Richard Chamberlain?  Eh…..  http://apnews.excite.com/article/20030531/D7RC1JIO0.html

 

Internal Police Investigation Clears Officers

 

Hey, startling isn’t the word for that.  Usually, internal investigations by the police of themselves results in firings and incarcerations for heinous actions.  In this particular case, it’s probably a fair deal by the University of Colorado police, given the professional victim hood of the ‘peace’ activists.  See http://www.thedailycamera.com/bdc/buffzone_news/article/0,1713,BDC_2448_1932094,00.html to relive this unexpected horror of American jurisprudence.

 

It strikes me that civilian Police Commissions ought to be sought after institutions for cities and towns.  Any police action that is of questionable nature ought to be able to go to an already established, legally recognized body with Grand Jury powers for objective analysis, or as much as can reasonably be expected.  These bodies ought to be able to demand prosecution.  Such a Commission would not likely see any action except in the larger districts, but knowing that it’s there might encourage uniforms to be a lot more concerned for the public and a lot less concerned for protecting criminals among them.  No member of these groups can have been in law enforcement or law at any time, or a family member of someone who is.  Legal advice to this body would be provided by law firms in rotation as pro bono work.   

 

The Fox Network flubs another…….

 

As predicted in The Lout, the Jessica Lynch affair is being patted down to actual shape.   She was not rescued from violent thugs; she was alone in the hospital except for doctors.  There is no evidence she fought to the last cartridge or that she fired any at all (which would probably have guaranteed a summary execution), and her compatriots, except for the initial fatalities, have been rescued.   Making nothing light of her horror, this still bears small resemblance to the Fox Blarney.

 

Anyone remotely familiar with how war is covered and written is not at all shocked by these emerging truths.  People want heroes, they want them on their side, and they’re willing to fudge a bit to get them.  Understandable and forgivable.  The pisser is the media, which promotes itself as Protector of the First Amendment, but really is creating mere product for their personal and institutional profit and career advancement.  It’s to be doubted that the harridans and country club tough guys at Fox would survive in a climate seeking only truth or précis of it.

 

And, on cue, the Vietnam Moron Society is back with the coulda, shoulda, woulda if only… arguments that elevate the veterans into betrayed heroes as surely as the French at Sedan and the Germans at Versailles.  How unfortunate, however, that this bag of misinformation comes from the Brain that President Bush selected from all others to run Iraq after the military issues are over.  From Slate Magazine: The soon-to-be top dog in Iraq served in Vietnam and says he's learned valuable lessons from the failures of that conflict. "We should have taken the war north instead of waiting in the south. Just like here," said Garner, who then added, "If President Bush had been president, we would have won."

 

Curious.  North where?  If North Vietnam, the General is an idiot and has forgotten that a land invasion of the north would have meant Red China would have joined the fray.  Further, our military wasn’t all that hot back then with just the Vietnamese.  And we had other commitments.  There is no doubt the strategic hamlet idea was bogus on its face, but the problem was not that our military objectives were bad, the problem was there were NO military objectives, only political ones pretending to be military.

 

For that, McNamara and his successors ought to have paid more than they did to the American and Vietnamese people for lies and flubs.  And three Presidents, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon, ought to have been sanctioned for their own untruths.  And the horror is, the Vietnam War was lost, changed little, and killed what, two million overall?

 

New Evidence

 

Busloads of fanatic volunteers are allegedly pouring into Iraq to help their Arab ‘brothers’ fight the infidel Americans.  That’s probably true, so far as it goes, but not terribly frightening.  For all the talk from Arabs the last two decades there has been very little action when you tabulate it.  Always the braggadocio, the oaths, the photo ops, and so very seldom any actual martyrs for all the energy announcing their coming.

 

Further, this has been pretty much the norm through the last two centuries.  Arabs are Highland clans, circa 1500, only with oil money and Kalashnikovs.

 

Most of the expatriates returning to Iraq to ‘fight’ Americans are going for no such thing.  Rather, they’re there to defend old land claims under a new government.  While we would do well not to ignore the ‘street’ hatred of the Arab world, we would do better not to exaggerate it.

 

The Classic Stigmata of Defeat

 

I’ve made the case that the current war against Islamic anti-Occidents finds much historic basis in nineteenth century wars against Native Americans, Afghanistan more than Iraq.  A recent news item, given below, strengthens that contention.

 

Muslim cleric Abdel-Ghafour Al-Quisi, with a Kalashnikov rifle resting against the pulpit, delivered a fiery sermon broadcast on state television Friday, the Muslim holy day.

"May God install terror in the hearts of our enemies, and set against them invisible soldiers," he said at one of Baghdad's largest mosques, in the heart of the city.  "Their dead are in hell because they have launched aggression against a Muslim nation," he said, referring to felled coalition soldiers.  A crowd of worshippers interrupted his sermon with shouts of: "God is great!"  Shocking revelations there……

 

At some point, it has to be asked: does Allah like the Arabs and Muslims?  He sure treats them like shit.

 

Whenever a people of any race senses the onset of doom, the inevitable defeat, their religious leaders suddenly discover, almost without exception, that merely by acknowledging certain liturgical formalities and prayer, ancient warriors will come to the rescue and save the day.  It happened in World Wars, our Civil War, the Ghost Dance, and now in Iraq.

 

During our Civil War, as the South reluctantly came to grips with salient facts, a religious revival gripped the people.  The facts were: slaves apparently made outstanding soldiers in Union ranks, strong central governments were necessary to fight a war, the competence of the white aristocracy was predominantly bogus.  Which is to say, all the previous myths of cavalier superiority over inferior cultures and people was horse-shit.  Of course, while the questions were raised, the answers everyone already knew were not, and great reliance was placed upon mystical help from divine sources.   And, you know how that went.

 

Thirty years later, a dispossessed Delaware medicine man living with the Utes hit upon an inspiration.  By prayer and weaving of Magic Shirts, white men’s bullets would have no effect upon current warriors, who would soon be joined by all dead Indians for a final but successful battle against the washichus.  While most experienced whites recognized this for what it was (Captain Bourke mumbled that the United States would probably have more respect in the world if it didn’t send its entire military on high alert and move entire regiments into battle whenever a witch doctor announced he could raise the dead….), the nation unleashed the revenge-seeking 7^th Cavalry against the pathetic Sioux at Wounded Knee.

When the British were getting utterly whipped early in the First World War, but putting up a stiff resistance at Mons, a willingly misconstrued news report was lept upon and provided history with the Angels of Mons, sometimes the Miracle of Mons.  On closer inspection, the angels are somewhat regretfully identified as British archers from old, old - but nearby - battlefields who, however less god-like, did the job and slowed the German advance.

 

And here the Muslims, who cannot seem to do anything well or unify for tasks with durations longer than football games, are already calling in the dead, “invisible soldiers”, to defeat a very tactile enemy.  Unfortunately, the soldiers summoned, living and dead, are still the same, clannish, incompetent, and doomed Arabs.

 

Robert Blake Is Guilty!

 

Has to be.

 

Robert Blake, who’s always been a little unclear on where his public and private personas diverged, is apparently determined to be the white O. J. Simpson and get away with the murder of a woman.  Ironically, taking the long view, he won’t.

 

One of the problems is that this is a set piece performance by Hollywood stereotypes.  First, his moderately attractive gold-digger wife and her associates, all of whom seem to have known/suspected/silently endured the charlatan’s attempts to blackmail and inveigle money from lonely, old, not-to-bright men.  Blake qualified.

 

Ronnie Bakely, his wife, was shot in a restaurant parking lot in the couple’s car after Blake went back to the restaurant to retrieve a gun he felt he had left there accidently.  Think about all of that, for a second.  The implications.   Blake also is confronted with several ex-employees who have testified that he tried to get them to kill his wife for the ten thousand dollar range.  Good news: none accepted.  Bad news: none went to the police because they were ‘scared.’  Or something.  Like, maybe it didn’t happen.

 

Bakely and Blake were having casual sex when she announced she was pregnant.  At first, she tried to blame it on Christian Brando, but it turned out to be Blake’s.  Blake dutifully married the woman, although you can’t say who he thought the duty was to.  Clearly he had no high regard for the woman, nor she for him, and bringing a child up in such circumstances would not be a jump start in life.  Blake claims that he did it for his daughter with the intention of getting Bakely out of the girl’s – and his – life.  Maybe.

 

You have to have seen Blake through the ages.  He was a child actor but got his big break playing a homosexual murderer in a hit movie made from a bestselling book by Truman Capote.  In Cold Blood was an excellent book, eerie as hell, and a great movie and it would be hard to say that Blake was not a terrific actor after witnessing that performance.  And yet…..

 

During the promotions for the movie, Blake appeared on several television shows, and on one – I think Carson – he brought a guitar on stage and said he thought he’d play an original song he thought “Perry” – his character – might have sung.  Surreal barely touches the surface of this weirdness, but it apparently was only the most public of several odd performances in those days.

 

He starred in Electra-Glide in Blue, an Easy Rider rip-off with a reversal of roles.  Then Baretta, a heartwarming story of an odd cop and his bird.  At each turn, Blake remained weird.

 

It’s hard to say that Blake, for sure, is a murderer but there is just so much damning evidence - if the testimony of people he approached to kill his wife is admitted.

 

Having It Both Ways

 

The French have announced they really want the United States to win a war it’s illegal for the United States to fight.

 

The Iraqis are presented by the United Nations, the Peace Movement, and other people who simply hate the United States as currently starving because of the current war.  That’s silly, look how pudgy the Iraqi leadership is.  The UN is trying to gather the shards of its always iffy virility and re-instate the oil for food program right away.

 

The Media, having the ability to entertain only about three templates of conceptualization at a time, is trying to contend that the administration misled us by suggesting it would be a short war, and over-selling Shock and Awe.  I recall the President, who I despise, saying just the opposite from the git-go right after 9-11.  It is the media that loves the whiz bang of the quick war.

 

Fox News continues its bogus hysterics over seeking evidence for Administration contentions on evidence that cannot be elevated to ‘flimsy’ level.  Two days after the Basra rebellion was announced, it probably still hasn’t happened.  Even worse than the embedded ‘journalists’ have become lap dogs of the folks keeping them alive, Fox has become merely a poodle of the administration.

 

The actor playing the utterly stoned Steven character for Dell Computer has been arrested for marijuana charges.   See here: http://news.excite.com/tech/article/id/235423|technology|02-10-2003::15:08|reuters.html

 

This is the most unexpected celebrity revelation since, after several MTV efforts in which his swishing butt filled the screen, it was reluctantly admitted that George Michael was gay.  But since it is important enough to even make the news, as a public service, I advocate public preparation for the following, and that therapists and psychologists stand by and crisis teams be formed, because…..

 

Fox Television is being lacerated for lying to the public during their promotions for the absolutely disgusting Joe Millionaire program.  This is the charming “reality” show where world class….er……..well, - what is the word? - gold diggers compete to be married to a supposed construction worker supposedly worth $50 million – but he isn’t, they say – and the announced final show wasn’t.  Huge negative viewer response to this lie about a liar surrounded by women who offer sex for money, albeit in marriage.  Babylonian Professional Wannabes.  Whereas, over in the Fox News Department………..

 

The psychologists on the news identifying new ‘syndromes’ and ‘crises’ are drumming up business for themselves rather than acting out of concern for the public.

 

Britney Spears may not be a virgin.

 

There is no such thing as compassionate conservatism.

 

Richard Simmons could be gay.

 

There may have been parental issues in the family of Michael, Janet, and La Toya Jackson.

 

The people who sign up for ‘reality shows’ are acting when the camera is on, may have experience in adult entertainment, and may have financial and thespian aspirations.

 

So may the people who watch such programs.

 

Based on the inevitable content clichés of his television shows, David E. Kelly really wants to write and direct lesbian porno.

 

Professional Sports has been tainted by organized gambling, and games have been thrown……..by officials, who make diddly squat.

 

That beauty queens who marry sports stars are sometimes dumped for younger women, and try to gouge exorbitant divorce settlements.  Sometimes, both parties lie about their infidelities.

 

 

Shocking!  All of this, but you have to learn sometime.  Sorry it had to be me.