Letters To/From The Editor

 

As usual, when dealing with the public, or people The Boulder Lout considers idiots or –far worse - likely to think for themselves, each letter will come equipped with a handy, easy-to-read headline that will instruct you what to think of its author or content before you actually read it.  This service is offered to prevent my readers from prematurely creasing their collective forehead in thought.  I learned this from local newspapers, who want to channel debate under the guise of presenting a public forum.

 

Requirements for Letter to the Editor

Length: 14 words, including name and address

Tone: respectful verging on adulation

Content: The Editor Knows All

Payment: $450 American in small bills that do not smear, hand delivered by Cameron Diaz

 

“Be Prepared”

 

Editor:

 

We, the highly suspicious people in charge of The Boy Scouts of America, want to clear up some misconceptions about Scouting that may have arisen due to the unfortunate events attending this year’s Jamboree.  People think we’re both incompetent, hypocritical, and somewhat sick in the issues important to us.  We want to clear all that up. 

 

For one thing, no it isn’t smart to set up a tent, especially one with metal poles, under a power line.  We know this.   Really, we do.  But apparently the four Scout leaders who were killed did not.  We suspect this because, despite all the hoo-hah about Scouting making self-sufficient boys and men, we had to hire outside help to set up this tent.  This would seem to indicate the four Scout Leaders didn’t know what they were doing whatsoever.   Nor the outside help they hired.  Even though they were in charge of a lot of young scouts.

 

Further, it seems that having herds of young boys and men passing out waiting for Dubya to say a few pointless words in illustrative example of the Boy Scouts’ values does not best show off the qualities we hope to install in our youth, especially given that Be Prepared! was clearly not the motto of those planning things in Iraq or this Jamboree, and that we should know Virginia can get humid and toasty in the summer, and we made zero provisions for any of this, including Dubya’s failure to appear at all.

I guess the theory that we could follow the military, and substitute slogan and bombast for competence and training with the stuff we’ll actually use when needed didn’t pan out, did it?  Go figure. 

On the upside, we’ve kept the fucking fags out of the Scouts as successfully as we’ve kept them out of the military.  Now, we just have to worry about all the actual pedophiles that seem to pop up in our highest ranks.  But, we got rid of the queers, sure enough.   And yes, if you want to make a big deal over it, Boy Scouts of America bigwig Douglas S. Smith Jr. did plead guilty to child pornography charges in March, ending his 39-year career with the Scouts.  Nobody noticed anything funny in those 39 years?  Huh.  And yes, naked children were on his work computer, at Boy Scouts corporate headquarters in Texas.  Where Dubya’s from.  And, yeah, Boy Scout leader and Spokane Mayor Jim West and his habit of screwing young guys — he’s a conservative Republican “family values” guy, of course, like Dubya — led to actual criminal allegations of molesting the Boy Scout children under his care.  And let’s not forget other Boy Scout pedophilia scandals brewing around the country, like this sick clusterfuck in Idaho and Utah, home to Mormon God and Apple Pie prepared by numerous underage wives.

And no, we didn’t see any of this coming.  

 

Be prepared!

 

The Middle Aged Men

Suspicious as Hell

Always in Charge of Scouts in Shorts and Kerchiefs

Incompetent and Over-Compensating

Throughout the Scouts

 

Mad Deer In Headlight

Editor:

Yeah, I bailed.  Look at that smug, fat, splotchy face of my ‘fiance’ and tell me who wouldn’t?  My very own Stephen Weed except that rich bitch Hearst gets the SLA for a getaway and I get a bus ticket to Albuquerque.  For God’s sake, anyone noticed that my family issues press announcements with more lock step control than the Kremlin under Stalin?  Those photos of me with the exact same, insane smile and pose?  Nobody sees any “issues?”  My dumb ass family didn’t.   Look at my right eye and tell me how happy, happy, happy I am!  Look, damnit!!! 

No quotes from me, ever, just my fiancé and “the family” whom the unwary might think were the Plantagenets when they intone “family.”  A melding of dynasties afoot, and I don’t recall my opinion being asked.  I had more control in my life wearing the Elephant Man shawl coming back then in those photos.  For God’s sake, help me, someone! 

 

Of course the wedding is still on, you big silly, and I love him more than ever!  This was just a bump on the road to eternal Baptist happiness as our minister says!  Those who think that Southern hysteria about a 32 year old unmarried daughter being forced into the arms of a splotchy-faced shlub from an equally rich family are just being a goose! 

 

I’m not gay, either!  Although let’s chat after that key honeymoon night, okay?

 

You think I’m crazy?  I’ll show you crazy, you dumb mother fuck…….

 

Jennifer Wilbanks

Darling Daughter, Loving Wife-to-Be

Happy, Happy, Happy!

Saved from Sleeping with Laci

Maybe…….

In the Spirit of Barking Mad Horse…

 

Editor:

 

……beep……..

 

Hey little man, used to be fat man, but now’s a little man!  Tell stories that I’m violent and quite stupid and threaten people on the phone, will ya?  I’m gonna come pay you a visit and set you straight, asshole.  Fuck with me, you dipshit, and I’ll clamp your ass down on an anthill covered with a diabetic’s piss so fast you’ll think it’s Russell Means’ acting career, you hear me?  You fat little shit who used to be a big turd?  If I say Chief Whistling Horse started out born in a log cabin and wrote “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….” and did so years before Dickens, and that the soldiers developed Agent Orange to kill the grass and get the buffalo a hundred years before ‘Nam, where I served with Stephen Seagal as a CIA assasin, you can take that to the bank.  And even if the flyleaf is a reverse tracing of the Mona Lisa with a Dodo feather in her hair, that’s MY art of my grandmother the untraceable Indian, Fat Man Who Used To Be…..wait.  Where are you on the scale now?

 

Doesn’t matter, little man who used be moderately proportioned before your heart…….was it heart or stomach?  We have to stay in touch better…..  your heart got ripped out and rewired by the white man.  Fuck with me and you kiss Goodbye to points on residuals.

 

Asshole.  ………….beep…….

 

Ward Churchill

Learning That, Indeed, Some People Do Strike Back

Karma Due and Payable

Enjoying the Doppler Effect of Incoming

Tracing Bambi in a Matchbook

Boulder

 

 

In Retrospect…

 

Editor:

 

I’ve been thinking, and maybe I could have done things better, you know?  Maybe a quick firing on the spot here and there would have done the trick, sped things up, cleaned out the Augean Stables, know what I mean?  You read?  Books, I mean.  I’m a scholar.  Didja  know that?   Yup, well I am.   I want you to know that the word “rape”, like the word “cunt”, can be used as an endearment, and never more so than when suggested by my football coach threatening to reveal the “conquests” of his female place kicker.  He apparently keeps track of those things, just to give you the warm and fuzzies.  Highest paid state employee.  Yes, he is… 

 

Not that I give the remotest fuck anymore.  I’m outta here, Baby!  Hear my fast rap on the greased track to the paddy wack by the sugar shack in the……thumb tack……..look, I’m not good at rhymes, okay?  I just read about poets, never claimed to be one.  So sue me.   HAHAHAHAHAHhahah……ah, yes.  But I can’t leave this pathetic berg fast enough, lemme tell ya.  That Harvard job taken?  Available again?

 

Elizabeth Hoffman

Denied a Dramatic Exit

Focusing on Churchill

And the University She Loves.

A Final Thought in Passing……

 

Editor:

 

Christ.  Finally!  Over.   

 

While I’m packing and looking under the bed for any dignity that remains, I want to thank everyone for dragging this out eight years beyond the initial seven what anyone would want for themselves.  Mike was there for me for the first seven years and gave it everything.   He didn’t bail, and because he has a right to home and family, he gets no crap from me about his new honey.   Was he supposed to wait till he’s on Viagra?   Nobody home, here, guys.  No witty repartee to take the sting out of vegetablehood.  Sorry Mom and Dad, this train has left.  Just LOOK AT THE PICTURES!!! 

 

Oh, and if you watch the video Randall Terry took for propaganda, notice I can’t follow a stage direction if it sat on my face. 

 

It’s terrific having lisping monks emoting for the ages on my life, and they, of all people, casting aspersions on the motivations of others.  I was especially moved by Tom DeLay, who pulled the plug on his own father in laser like quickness because he knew his old man wouldn’t want to live like I am now.  But that was then and his father and this is now and me, a voting issue.  He sure has thrown his saddle across this withered back to try and ingratiate himself to an electorate that with reason votes 3 to 1 against that ant squisher.  

 

My parents?  Do you think either one of them would want this for themselves?  And Reverend Jackson?  Get a life!  Hahahahaha!  I kill myself!  Wish I could have.  Get a life!  (Snort.)

 

Nope, none left.  Check the couch there, would you?  Under the…..nothing?  Well, I’m outta here.  Remember me, you sadistic bastards.

 

Terri Schiavo

On the Last Step to Heaven

Well Above Florida

(Well above……….)

 

Achtung!

Editor:

 

We, the family of the football players who were the biggest victims of the malicious rape accusations hurled against other people by those we’ve heard about by methods not seen, wish to announce another Moving Event to show Solidarity with the Team!  Just before our next home game, the parents and supporters of the Buff Football team will form an Arch of Support for the team to run under as they enter the stadium to get dressed for the game!!!!    Get it?   An arch of support?  Huh?  Huh?  Cool, huh?

 

Show your support for the real victims of the CU scandal: the football team of whom my son is a member and on whom my social standing relies.

 

Further, since this team palpably bites the big one and my son can’t get his named mention in any article not involving me, please notice how gracious and well dressed I am and worthy of social advancement anyway.  Okay?

 

Thanks from the Buff Boosters!!!!!!!

 

Dotty Kumpheiffer

Wearing the Black and Gold

But Tastefully

 

Thumbs Up!

 

Editor:

 

Just a final word, in passing.  I don’t remember a damned thing after that Hinckley kid put one in the lung.  So if everything worked out, great, but you sure as hell couldn’t prove anything by me, then or now.  Also, somebody tell the Noonan broad to suck it up and be a good Daddy’s Girl, would you?  Honestly, it’s bad enough that Wyman outlives me, but this bickering with the family?  That’s got to stop, okay?

 

Here’s your hat.  What’s your hurry?

 

Ronald Reagan

In the Big Lonesome

 

Hello Pas-ha, this is Na-aate! 

Tuesday Ni-iight, We’ve Got a Da-aaaate!

 

Editor:

 

So, look, before this gets too far along, this is the last time I’m gonna tell ya.  All those hookers and escorts and blow job fodder were for me, just me, in the privacy of my own dumpy apartment.  And yes, I spent about 25% of my candy ass salary to get laid, okay?  And I didn’t get repaid through the CU Foundation, directly or indirectly, and no wealthy alum set me up fine to provide this necessary service, ain’t none of that.  And if it turns out in my Grand Jury testimony that it’s somehow different from what I told the newspapers and press, I want the sporting world to know that I am a stand up guy and will fall on his sword on behalf of the Coach and the Team and the Program, with which I am with, no matter which school I’m working for, you know?

 

So really, as I bounce around the college football world like the dyed-in-the-wool flunky that I am, the very sort of ‘kinda man’ that the Alphas depend on for their own easy lives, in fact making it possible, please remember my heroic sacrifice on behalf of the Team, would you?  It’s all I have at this point.   Well, that and all the dirt on the entire Colorado football program that would close it down quicker than a page from Tharp’s secret files.

 

Nathan Maxcey

Butt Boy to the Stars

University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople

 

The, uh, Title……the Cue Card Thing…….the Capsul!  That’s it…..the Caption! 

 

Editor:

 

So, okay, we got all the…the a…..those books out now from members of my administration…….Clarkey Boy and O-Kneel-and-I’ll-Piss-In-Your-Face and Woodard….Woodwind…..you know, uh….Carl’s Better Half, and they all seem to agree with some of the a……the a….you  know….details about what a, uh…..you know…uh…………………a mush-mouthed gaping sphincter I am and how thoroughly we screwed up the Iraq War Against Terror and……eh………the Iraqi Were, and ……..it seems that…….uh………..you know, that I actually believe I’m divinely inspired, or…….uh……pretty much…..Hi there, Ham Hock!  Condi’ll getcha a drink, sit.......and djoze-shen by History to uh………you know, uh………..lead us at this moment.  And that…..uh……despite the facts and the whole thing……………..I’ve been put ‘under the spot’ to uh…………..lead us in this War on Terror.  

 

I mean, I answered most of this at the press conference.

 

Djould any of you wonder how hard it was to lose every bloody ally we’d amassed since the Second World War in an afternoon of phone calls, I can only say that we……I……uh…….It shows as clearly as this strange, odd d-j sound I insert in front of every sibilant 's'.  Even Britain and its Mayor Tony……eh ………Blair are holding on by a thread.  They make fun of old Tony, but no matter how hard we drop kick him around the EU, he……….eh……..still manages to find some reason to speak to us. 

 

But I’ve discovered, since I became President of ………eh……….the President, that if I walk with these bizarre arms akimbo mannerisms and artificially puffed out chests……chest…… that even the most in….ah……incoherent…..speech will endeavor to summarize the principles of Freedom and Democracy and 9-11 in this great land of ours.

 

Jor……Ge…….j-o-r-g….GeOrge Dubya Bush

President of This Here Texan Auxiallary

Just South of Dad’s Main Home

DC!!

 

Ps: Cancel our subscription 

 

Just a Glitch in Our Honored History of Spiritual Endeavor

Editor:

 

Concurrent with our ongoing investigation, it seems that since 1950 there have been 11k charges of sexual abuse against about 4500 priests in the United States alone.  We’ve decided that the reason for this charming statistic is because of “…the bishops' failure to grasp the gravity of the problem, their misguided willingness to forgive and their emphasis on avoiding scandal, among other things.”

‘Other things’ include the obvious fact that we have to protect those likely to accuse us of similar incidents through the years - we who introduced them to the joys of child molestation - and that we really believe that being Catholic clergy releases us from secular condemnation, and our total disdain for the poor upon whom we’ve preyed for centuries.  After all, you never find a case of child of a rich parishioner being raped or assaulted, do ya?   It’s always the children of single mothers or the very poor.  Isn’t that just so much more special? 

 

If the FBI wanted to release some meaningful statistics, they should tell us which religion in these United States is most likely to rape the children in its care.  The safe bet?  Christians.  Both in numbers and by percentages.  Hypocrisy inspires us!

 

Hard to say if Southern Baptists’ summer camps surpass the Catholic Church’s horrors, but let’s find out, shall we?  Suffer the little children……   But hey, so what?  Safe bet they’ll never find out how many actually ruined the lives of children, who in turn……..

 

Christ isn’t our master, he’s our bait.  And after all this time, don’t look like nuttin’ you can do about it nohow.  How’s that?

 

The Very Divine Theodore Dwarvishness

Draped in cape and jewels

Thinking about younger days

 

The Wrath of the Righteous

Editor:

 

You lose Saddam!!  The Wrath of the Iraqi People, aided by the Great and Merciful Allah, have brought you to justice now, you coward!  Now that the Will of the People has captured you, and we’re firing our guns in the air just like you used to do in celebration of your capture at our hands!!!! Yes, OUR hands!   We don’t need no friggin’ Americans!  We captured you and threw you out before!!!  Yes, we did!!!

 

(Sorry?  Four dead?  Four dead and seventy wounded?  Okay, we’ll fire in the other direction…..  It was God’s will, don’t forget….)

 

It was Allah and Us that did this, Saddam!!! Yeah, don’t think you can get away calling us a stupid mob, man, we got you………..

 

Same Courage-Challenged Street Mob

In Every Arab City

Clueless, Doomed, and Violent When Safe

Ah-Hah, The Desert

 

Fox News Explains

 

Editor:

 

Yeah, okay, so the judge said our case was totally without merit either legally or logically and we have to let “comedian” Al Franken go back to “the obscurity that he deserves” with his four Emmy Awards because we made asses of ourselves pandering to the enormous ego of Bill O’Reilly.  Just because O’Reilly has made a habit of saying that his stint on Inside Edition earned TWO Peabody awards, when it won zero, and that when confronted with this said he’d meant Polk awards, which it did win a year after he left, Franken says O’Reilly is a liar!  Hah!  Wait’ll we get hold of him in CIVIL court.  We’ll nail him just like Limbaugh did.  Remember all the errors that the Republicans found in Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot?  No?  Well, just look……..  I must have left them at home.  Too many to carry.

 

Okay, you’re right, nobody has produced a single error in Franken’s book on Limbaugh, not one, and it is true that Limbaugh went on a huge diet to lose weight, and it is true that Limbaugh cannot hold his own in actual debate, and that he does pander to losers, but on this book Franken is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Well, yeah, Ann Coulter is a nutcase and her books are full of swill that doesn’t stand up to the most casual amount of scrutiny, but she has great legs for a forty year old never was.

 

And yeah, okay, O’Reilly lies about being poor when he went to private schools all his life, and he somehow never got to serve in the military just like all the other Fox Chicken Hawks, and somehow his Fox photos are all retouched, but O’Reilly is an honest man!

 

Franken’s a homo anyway.

 

Fox News

Fair and Balanced

Pandering to Those Who Find Limbaugh Cerebral

 

Taking It On the Road – Comical Ali Returns!

 

Editor:

Look, they wouldn’t even put me on the deck of cards, kapish?  I mean, WHAT is THAT about?  I was the Information Minister, Comical Ali, and I’m not even in the top 52?  Do they have jokers in there?  No?  Well, maybe……it doesn’t matter now.

 

I packed up the wife and family and we’re jellin’ in the Emirates, Baby!  Got a quick gig, you know, it’s a liberal country and we’re at home already.  Any, I’m at the Moderately Repellant Jew Hotel Lounge and do ten shows a week.  Did-not-see-you at the last gig, baby, so you better bring the wife and kids to this one, would ja?  Be a pal?  Just light commentary, some soft shoe, a call for Jihad, some community sing, more comedy bits and off.  It’s a blast!  You’d really love it!

 

No, no more questions about the war, okay?  It’s over, did my part to the last moment.  See ya soon!

 

Mohamed Saeed Al-Sahhaf

Leading a Normal Life

Hoping to Get Back to Iraq Someday

United Arab Emirates

 

 

Sign Ordinance??  We Don’t Obey No Friggin’ Sign Ordinance……

 

Editor:

 

It’s come to my attention that there are those who feel that the sign across the ugly building on the west side of Highway 36 announcing that that there ugly building and the lands about belongs to us, da Regents a da Unavoisity of Colobloodyado, has offended some doily minds because it violates seven paragraphs of the county sign code, fifteen from Martha Stewart’s Signage Magazine, and every ecologic reason imaginable.  This, not only because it lacerates the retina, but because there’s no point for a sign at all.  None.  Not a single, bloody one.  If we lose this important fight for our right to construct useless signage, they’ll start complaining about the ones pointing west saying ‘mountains’ or ones pointing down at the center saying ‘sign post’ or anything.  Just goes to show how outta control Pinko Boulder is.  And we won’t get to spend $10,000 on each of them, either, like we did for this beauty.  Eh?  Too much?  

 

Well, ain’t dat a shame?  Get it?  We owns it, Baby.  And that sign SAYS we owns it.  And after shelling out ten large ones for it, it’s gonna stay dere, see?  We don’t throw around ten thousand dollars for a golden sign for a University with aspirations to put on an ugly outbuilding with the taste and dignity that proudly says “Mattress Warehouse Overhead Sale!” to those not paying close attention for nothing, know what I mean?   We’s de Regents, is we.

 

The Chair notes that Regent Martin withholds his opinion till he can summon enough saliva to hold his finger out the window to check the zephyrs.

 

The Chairman a’da Board of Regents

We’ll Violate Any Law If We Feel Like It

University of Colobloodyado

And Boulder Can Just Bite Me

 

- 30 -

 

Editor:

 

Enclose, please find my resume, my recommendations, a large bribe, and my black address book.  As I told you, anything……anything at all…..would be fine.  Just need to get my name out there again and everything will work out.   I hope you’ll reconsider your decision on the phone today.

 

Howell Raines

Lucky Ole Sun Apartments

Old Man River, Alabama

 

PS: I know some great reporters if you need any!

 

And, in closing……..

 

 

Editor:

 

We all know how easy it is to make fun of me now that I’m going to be – as the hoi-polloi might say – going ‘up river’ for a period of time, but the cultured and refined among you would tame that wild beast of revenge.  No smirking asides about doilies made from prison garb, or what finger sandwiches might mean in a cell shared with Large Marge, or if Christmas decorations with exit wounds are de rigueur for 2003.  It’s just too easy and beneath you.  Like making fun of my rapidly increasing girth, and sightings at the Mama Cass counter in K Mart.

 

Neither would it be conducive to civilized refinement if coverage of my plight extended to what, precisely, I was giving my good friend that he would call me to withdraw ownership of his stock before it bottomed out.  Really, why would he do that?  And why, further, would he do so knowing that he had a drug coming on market in 2003 that cut off blood supply to cancer which, if not an actual cure, would surely be the next best thing and a key to the world’s vault. 

 

Why indeed?

 

Which is to say I’m going to some shit hole for selling stock that today would be worth a gazillion dollars and heading north on the word of that bald little smackhead?  Huh?  Is that what you’re telling me?   Are you shitting me, for God’s sake?   I mean really, how the hell did that happen??   If I’d kept the stock not only would I be suing the hell out of CBS for that crappy movie but I’d be richer than…..than I was previously!  What the hell is THAT about, I ask you?  I’m WHITE for God’s sake.  This is what happened to good humored but gullible black businessmen in the fifties after being bought off for talking down labor strikes, not Connecticut aristocracy!!!!  And it’s a Republican administration!!

 

Martha Stewart

Wasp Rot Farm

Bush Wallow, Conn.  

 

A Previously Unconsidered Qualification for a New Pulitzer

 

Editor:

 

Hey look, it’s bad enough I married that shit and got butchered for it on Christmas with my kid, so can you please attend to coverage of our funeral with the meanest shred of decorum?  Huh?  Please?  No helicopters, no swarms of flashbulbs, no ambush interviews with distraught relatives? 

 

And no shots of the massage therapist running in a sidebar?  Please?  Okay?

 

Yeah, who am I kidding….

 

Laci and Connor Peterson

Somewhere better

 

As Frodo Discovered the Courage Within

 

Editor:

 

“Where you Saddam?  Come out so we can fight you!  Where you hiding?  You can’t hide forever, you know!  The wrath of the people will smite you!  Yeah, we’re rolling now, bucko, so you better look to your gonads, Boy!  The friggin’ PEOPLE are PISSED, man, and we’re gonna…..”

 

JESUS SHIT! What the fuck was THAT??

 

Yeah?  Well, fire it off some other time, will ya?  We’re bullying down a tyrant here two weeks after the last bomb fell.

 

“Yeah, you can’t hide from us, Saddam…..”

 

Your Basic Arab Mob

Full of Courage After the Fact

Silent for Forty Five Years of Cellar Cringing

The Streets of Baghdad 

 

 

Hey, What Ya Gonna Do, Eh?

 

Editor:

 

You guys are so predictable.  You loved Andy Kaufman and then forgot all about improvisational comedic art just for me.   So typical of you wacky Americans!  Ah well, how the hell are ya?  Been good?  Family good?  That’s great.  Tell them I asked.

 

It’s been two weeks or more since my last rap, and I just wanted to check in and see how things were going.  Ya know, not that I ever had a fuckin’ clue, but hey, a job’s a job, what?  Now it’s back to black box and local dinner theater, but it was fun while it lasted, you know?  Like Jimmy Walker and “Dyn-o-mite!” I’ll always be Baghdad Bob and “We ripped out their testicles with red hot pliers and fried them alive with their own fat drippings.”  Man, what a business.  Kumbayama!  Kumbay……  it’s my new closer.  You should come hear it, maybe bring some friends.  I’ll get you in.

 

Mohamed Saeed Al-Sahhaf

Two Shows, Monday to Saturday

The Silly Shia Showroom

The Abhorrent Jew, May They Rot In Hell, Hotel

Kut, Rumsfeldia 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heroes Return!

Editor:

 

Well, we’re back from Iraq, safe and sound.  It’s getting tough being human shields, we can get hurt these days.  So: Plan B!

 

After an impressive, meaningful demonstration of music for peace on the Mall, our heroic heroism was demonstrated again yesterday when our heroes and heroines (is that accepted now?  Better check with PC department….) lay down in the streets of New York showing people what it is like in New York when a bunch of well fed people with ample time on their hands motivated by dotty housewives trying to find inclusive themes for their hobby lie down in the streets of New York and nasally converse with admiring friends and scream “abuse” when lifted into a van.  This conveys tons of support to Iraqi four-year olds quivering under threats of MOABs in their futures. 

 

God, we’re so…….heroic!

 

Well, off to work. 

 

The Peace Crowd

Rocky Mountain Peace and Justice Center

Now Sponsoring Peace Doilies on Command

Doodling Away Our Finances

 

Shocked and Awed By Our Mewling Obsequiousness

 

Editor:

 

So, American Public!  Shocked and Awed, aren’t ya?  You bet your booties you’re shocked and awed!  Shocked that our Media can sit so harmlessly in the lap of the military and lick themselves; awed that the administration pulled it off with seemingly small effort.

 

Shocked that the media recites a litany of goodiness about our professional soldiers that reduces them to children going off to their first day of school.  “So patriotic and dedicated, professional, carrying their M-16’s as they march off to…..  Aren’t we proud?  You bet we’re proud…..”  This is interspersed with such leading questions it is the last possible step before implantation of strings to the facial muscles of the young soldiers as they answer questions.

 

Walt Rogers: “You felt, not fear, but a sort of anticipation when we – you – heard the incoming fire, didn’t you?”

 

Exhausted soldier: “Yes, sir.  Um…We’re professionals doing our job…..zzzzzzz.”

 

Walt Rogers: “And then you thought about your wife and family back home, isn’t that right?”

 

Exhausted soldier: “Well, I’m not married, but if I were…..”

 

Isn’t that sort of hard hitting journalism worth casting aside any pretext of objectivity for because the Media’s embedded ticks are dependent upon the fondness that the soldiers may or may not have for their sorry ass?  Eh?  Hasn’t history been made by cell phone quality video of immobile images and incoherent audio showing god knows what to anchors who can’t recall their own oft repeated questions?  I ask you.

 

Biff Cohesion

Military Liaison

Media Flack

Safe in Kuwaiti Splendor

 

 

Thank God!  They’re Safe!

 

Editor:

 

The Boulder City Council, concerned about their safety in light of events in New York and the nation’s Capital sixteen months ago, wishes to announce that new security measures are being built in to a council chamber renovation.  “My God, what if someone with Mace-Rich or the Dance Coalition or the Mapleton Neighborhood Association or the Northern Boulder Safeway Club or the CEO of Lovely, Lovely Homes or a manager of Owner-Only Trailer Parks comes in to slay the Council?” inquired one member on deep background.  “What if the easels and poster board presentations by staff and public are sending secret messages to Al Quada, directing them to apply for Mexican Consular cards here in Boulder?”

In the new chambers, members will sit in separate cubicles all divided by bulletproof glass, separated from the public by a moat of non-Perrier water.  Should a deranged realtor jump to his feet with an AK-47c3 (the one with all leather grips…) a council member can push a button on the desk and 1.) highly compressed cigarette smoke will be released from floor vents 2.) security personnel dressed as Buddy Boulder will cover all Channel 8 cameras and scream out Chamber-approved sound bytes 3.) Victims Advocates will be rushed from sitting morosely in courtrooms to sitting morosely in transportation units to sitting morosely next to concerned members of the public near the armed lunatic 4.) American flags will drop from ceiling tiles and wave gently under the release of compressed air for that purpose 5.) a live size photo of past Mayors, terrorist leaders, and Library Directors will appear over walls designed to absorb fire and 6.) a member will move that the meeting be postponed due to length for two weeks.  The Lunatic will be assured his concerns will be on the agenda, and escorted to the nearest Homicidal Lunatic 12-step.

Because using electricity and paper is unsympathetic to the Environment, all presentations to the Council by staff will hereafter be done in semaphore with an interpretive dancer for those who don’t know semaphore.

 

Faceless Bureaucrats

Smug, smug, smug

And you’ll like it or else

Municipal Building

 

Safe to Return

 

Editor:

 

I, for one, just want to tell you that I feel one hell of a lot safer now that Mary Keenan is in charge of the Ramsey case.  The years I’ve spent, like most of you, sweating that the killer of that little girl was still on the streets of Boulder are now safely in the past.  Now we know that it’s only a matter of days before the arrest and trial of the murderer.  If only the powers that be had handed the case over to this giant of juris prudence (except on the Western Slope, where some judge thinks she lies) years ago, we’d have been spared all those stupid movies and gross photo ops from the Ramsey family, along with unreadable books and posturing blowhards on all sides.  Finally, I feel safe enough to return to Boulder, and it’s all because Mary Keenan is in charge!

 

Thane Smitka

Like Anyone Will Notice

Duck Blind Alley

Boulder

 

Closing Out Twenty Years of Predatory Crap, Schemes, and Fraud

 

Editor:

 

The Associated Federation of New Age Masters of Beingness wishes to officially ring down the curtain on the New Age.  We all know it ended about a decade ago when the once seemingly inexhaustible supply of single white women, mostly mothers and chronically stoned, started to fade away with re-marriage or actual jobs, and the audiences for weekend self-help seminars, bogus science products, and pretend religious events with $500 price tags dropped like the stock in crystal pyramids and futons with magnets. 

 

However, now that one of our finest creations, Clonaid, has announced the birth of a child who is a clone of her mother, an utterly fictional event that is dependent upon the suspension of not only belief but all thought, we thought the time auspicious for the formal stake driving.  After all, all the requisites are here.  We have the male Svengali having his ego stroked by adoring female sycophants (check) in the customary all white attire (Applewhite Apparel, check) while they both blather about the establishment educational degrees that they mock in others and are as yet unsubstantiated in themselves (check).  Of course, given that here in Colorado at least one of the University of Colorado Regents lied about his degrees, we should probably view with cancerous eye all such claims. 

 

The child won’t be a clone at all, but some delusional interpretation of ‘fact’ that will allow the cult to win a thin, thin rhetorical argument that nobody is having.  Their particular belief (aliens genetically engineered human life) was revealed not by science but by a Visitation (the guru was chosen, perhaps during a Christmas Season, from among all other men – it’s just about always men, isn’t it? – to receive this tidbit…) and the female followers and their closeted gay male counterparts (just about always…..) will hail the brilliance of their leader and continue to sign over trust fund checks.  It’s the perfect ending for this imperfect manifestation of social alienation.

 

Fare Well New Age!  We profited greatly.

 

Boswelli Agropuff

AFNAMB President and Seer

High Above Boulder

Yet Still on the Mail Route

 

The Thanks of a Grateful Community

 

Editor,

 

The Downtown Business Community of Boulder wishes to thank the Boulder City Council for acting on our pathetic and boneheaded idea to postpone street construction of Broadway halfway to completion during the holiday season under the apparent delusion that the increased speed with which cars pass our businesses will benefit us.  Rather than simply give us tax benefits or actual cash, which would be cheaper and not slow the overdue repair work, spending at least a quarter million dollars to redo contractor work so that we can pretend we did something constructive will no doubt add to our bitter feelings when our businesses close early next year because of month long construction delays.  And really, could we have done any of it without that dynamo Boulder Chamber of Commerce?  Really, ever since they paid off their own building only a few years late, they’ve really been constructive in the city’s affairs, haven’t they? 

 

The Pizza Parlors, Gas Stations, and Bars

Fronted by Red Traffic Cones

All Along Broadway

Near That Strange Sucking Sound

 

A Family Dynasty Continues

 

Editor,

 

Did I win?  I’ve forgotten all about it and went shopping, aren’t I cute and just so above it all?  I just have so much on my plate, what with parties and family (can you hear the children?), and wallpapering 1300 bus sides with my face, and all the water I haul for the University of Iowa that I just plumb forgot about me running for Regent of the University of Colorado.  Dear me.  Was the election today?  I guess I’ll know when the bills come due……

 

Diane Greenlee

No Distributions From the Greenlee Foundation This Year

Gotta Pay for the Campaign

Fuming, Colorado

 

An Industry Speaks

 

Editor,

 

Just to remind you, yet again we completely blew all election predictions.  Nearly every damned one this time, and you know what’ll happen?  Nuttin.  Not a God Damned thing!  People will line up like social climbing ewes at the Debutante Ball to pay their respects to us and hand over just bloody MILLIONS, hand over fist, very next election cycle.  I can’t believe it.  We’ve screwed up so often, charged so much, and THEY BRING US BACK, YEAR AFTER YEAR!  Hahahahhahahha.  And there ain’t nothing you can do about it.  Isn’t it crazy?   Hahahahahahhahhhhaaaa-gasp-hahahah-cough – haha – wheeze, gag –ha! 

 

Hey, get bent if you don’t like it.

 

The American Pollsters

Meaningless or False Information at Great Expense

Yet Again, Forever

 

It was a Right Wing Plot!  It was!  It was, too!

 

Editor,

 

Yeah, so maybe we DID field a bunch of bizarre candidates, and maybe we DID run timid, not to say vacuous campaigns, and – true – perhaps it can be said that our platforms suffered somewhat from that content thing, but really, who’d have thought that with the support of the mighty labor unions, the backing of various new age thought bubbles, and public speakers that recall Demosthenes with his first mouthful of beach rock we’d get shellacked so badly in legal elections?  We had Robert Redford here in Boulder, for God’s sake.  All the girls LOVE Robert Redford!  And nothing!  We returned to office as Senator a man so devoid of personality, accomplishment, and substance that he continually got upstaged by the flag.  We couldn’t beat Wayne Allard, for Christ’s sake?  Could it be that Strickland really does come across as an obsequious lawyer pandering to his outta state backers?  We had REDFORD for God’s sake………..

 

Oh Yeah.  Gary Hart, that’s the ticket……

 

The Colorado Democratic Party

Forgettin’ About Tomorrow

You Bet, Colorado

 

Robert “Bitter Bob” Sievers Wins GOP Mole of the Decade Award!

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

We, The Delighted Republican Party of Boulder County, take great pleasure in awarding the Golden Ponytail Trophy to that public figure who, in victory or defeat, best exemplifies the qualities that motivated Senator Ben “Damp Digit” Campbell to switch to the Republican Party.  This year the award goes to Robert “Bitter Bob” Sievers, whose poor sportsmanship, deliberate attempts to sabotage the campaign of the fellow Democrat who walloped him in the primary, and blatant attempts to ingratiate himself with Republican nominee (Diane “Tell Me, Dear” Greenlee) by using university means to spread libel practically forced the award into his hands after a mere twelve years as a pretend Democrat.

 

Way to Go, Bobby!

 

The Delighted Republican Party of Boulder County         

Awaiting the Next Coors Keg

In Our Swanky Quarters Above Folsom Stadium

 

Greenlee: The COORS Candidate!

 

 

That Floating Bath House, That Lisping Species,

 That Vortex of the World’s Worst Food……

Editor:

 

What happened to the Near East?  Wasn’t the Near East the nearest part of Asia to England?  Why are we calling the Near East the Middle East?

 

Eddwin Hawkhucker

Twee on the Twine

Brachamoor on Doris

What There’ll Aways Be

 

Yeah, well Eddwin, bear in mind that most of the world over there is the result of some inebriated Cambridge twink being given a ruler and a pen at your Foreign Office in years past and told his afternoon activity was Pretend Nation Drawing.  Separate folks, mostly insane Oxford Nancy Boys, were given mug books of sadistic desert froth feeders and told to create Royal Families with genealogies that went back beyond immediate fathers.  Near East is Whitechapel, these days, bucko.

 

 

 

Can’t Pour Piss From a Boot

Without Instructions on the Sole

Editor:

 

How come The Boulder Lout doesn’t list its journalism awards?  Especially the all-important Colorado Men’s Mighty Journalism Association’s Orange and Teal Ribbon of Excellence for Zines Originating West of 28^th St and South of Iris in the City of Boulder Using Three Fonts or More on its WebSite.  You know, the one awarded sequentially to all dues-paying members at annual drunks which the membership covers as news?

 

Ernst Mench

2002 H. L.Mencken Winner Who Doesn’t Know Mencken Despised Awards

 

Because we don’t have any.  It’s a conspiracy and it hurts.  Those awards really mean a lot to both myself and my readership of Oprah buffs, crystal pyramid therapists, proto-militia shut ins, and religious zealots.  If I don’t get that ribbon soon, I’ll start my own journalism society…..

 

Whadafud,eh?

 

My family has been composed of noted Boulder alcoholics since the turn of the last century.  No wait……this century.  You know, since…..YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, DICKWAD!  Anyway, few families outside of Longmont have had as many arrests for drunken behavior, hallucinatory midnight rants, improbable couplings, vehicular accident causation, or consistently dangerous evening driving.  So, I’d jush….just….like to say that I think the students have a point about being harassed by the police.  I myself can just walk by the cops – even on those occasions when I’m approaching legal sobriety – and you can just tell by the vibes, man, that they wouldn’t – that they don’t treat you like….that they think I’m out to be a, you know, problem.  Even though there are few I haven’t taken a swing at in recent years, they have no damn right to look at me like that!  Like you’re doing now, you puking sack a …………

 

SC,

Bottletop Under Bywater

Hygiene

(Ed. Note: SC is a former RTD Board Member and is the Libertarian Party’s nominee for the Colorado Commission on the Arts.)

 

Nice to see you again, S. – ed

 

Longmont Militia Card #34 Wishes to Know…..

 

Wasn’t the Lout, you know, once published like a real magazine or at least a newsletter?

 

El Toro

Whistling Down the Highway

On His New Harley

 

Yeah.  Weren’t you once employed?- ed.

 

Lout Lauded for Languid Language

 

Boulder’s The Boulder Lout recently received the previously unknown but coveted Generic Trophy for webzines published from Lots 43 and 45 in the Township of Urgle, Colorado.  “Damn right.  About time,” said the annoyed Editor.  “Freshen this for me, will you, Sweetie?”