Because every winter at Christmas and every Spring at Easter there are horror stories about people buying bunnies, puppies, and kittens and those few happy, happy moments with the children before the animals are ignored forever and become part of the grinding day’s procedures till their early and lonely death, Dark Endeavors – the Nation’s First Name in Behavior Corrections – in conjunction with recently available South Korean research doctors between jobs, has developed the cure for this cruel and pointless behavior.  The Dark Endeavors Pet™!

 

This exciting new breed of arguable animal will be the talk of the recipient family for hours and hours, primarily on the phone to the authorities, that will cure them of their irritating habit of using sentient, living animals (mass bred in conditions even we couldn’t and wouldn’t replicate) as mere ambulatory plush toys for themselves and their families.  Till genetic engineering and the development of a five ‘Rita Happy Hour, this couldn’t have been done before.  There are considerations:

 

Care and Feeding of your new Dark Endeavors Pet!™

 

If A Gift From You:

 

After purchase, time carefully the interval between gift wrap and your presentation.  No Dark Endeavors Pet™ prefers it to last longer than nine and one half minutes, and some express distress at three, so it is important that any wrap or enclosure above the razor wire container be of the ‘easy on’ ‘easy off’ type.  DEP’s are delicate in this regard, and like their Pleistocene descendents, the carnivorous winged pachyderms, never, ever forget, and have been known to track down purchasers to remonstrate with them about an uncaring attitude. 

 

It is true this was not discussed on the Sales Page.  Our sales staff is outsourced to Fun Fone in Bhjortan, a small town in inner Nepal, and if in starvation delirium sometimes they forget to mention this, what can you do? We gotta go to the low bidder.

 

Be sure to brace and forewarn the recipient of the protocols necessary to welcome their new life partner! 

 

If a Gift TO you:

 

If kept in the dark over four minutes, all DEP’s undergo a complete mind wipe, as if their RAM had been erased by diligent military disc scrubbers, and as a result they imprint and form permanent pecking order assumptions based upon the first face (and its expression) that they see.  It is therefore best to wear an enthusiastic, kind, and welcoming gaze as they focus upon you so that they do not see cruelty, hesitation, fear, or uncertainty.  These, they have been bred to search for assiduously. 

 

A trembling lip, a vibrating eyebrow, a sense of horror will trigger unpleasant reactions and actions, including - but not limited to - a complete and spontaneous scale, skin, and feather molt, emptying of both bladders and all alimentary canals, and in rare cases a skull crunching attack, efficiently, swiftly, and nearly painlessly accomplished. 

 

All DEP’s, like the hyena, contain the organs of both sexes at birth and seem to prefer a form of necrophilia – a fertilized egg implantation in a recent corpse - requiring no effort on your part.     

 

Be assured that your rare and valuable pet will be the envy of your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and enemies about which something can now be done.  Yapping dogs, undisciplined children, errant paper boys are as Gnostics or a Whig administration in your life when you direct the gaze of your adoring Dark Endeavors Pet™ upon your annoying world!

 

Plan ahead for the holidays now!