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| Birth Control |
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| slower, shallower, less! |
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This is Dark Cloud on Wednesday, March 12, 1986. You know, I hate to be a betrayer of my gender, but I think it’s time to realize that birth control should be completely the province of the involved male. You hear me? I know the arguments, that nobody who's anybody would be seen dead buying a box of condoms and keeping them in the wallet until they crack when opened. And, of course, the age old giggle that they "deaden sensation.” Has anybody fallen for that, guys? You know what it takes to deaden sensation when the moment comes to buckle that baby on? I'll tell you. The alternatives. Show me a woman on birth control pills and I'll show you a David Niven in drag. A woman on the pill, for over 20 minutes develops these weird red skin colorations, foremost amongst which is a discolored upper lip, accenting her fuzz and you feel like you're making love to Gene Shallot. It darkens to the point where it looks like a military green stripe of grease paint across the room. Lovely. That deadens a few nerve ends, friends. And of course, something that turns on and off bodily functions according to the pharmaceutical firms has just got to be in keeping with nature's divine plan for women, right? And all these rumors of blood clots and stuff probably aren't true. And just because it deadens our sensations. And then there's the IUD, Torquemonga's device that manages to be both an engineering feat for women to install and a sobering thought for men. You know what those puppies have, don’t you, hanging down? What they say is a piece of monofilament line for easy removal but what those of us who have encountered it know as a rigid, sharp, cattle prod. Encounter one of these in a moment of passion and then give me a jingle and let’s talk about dead sensations. And tourniquets. And let’s not forget the old comedy favorite, the diaphragm. How many times has that magic phrase “I'll be right back and I'll hurry!!” lowered the spontaneous passion? If she's hurrying, will she do it right? And with that marvelous thought hanging in front of you, don't the eventual tactile sensations indicate she put it in side ways? That doesn't deaden your enjoyment guys? And how about the 10-40 oil that they have to soak it in? This is really easier than a condom? And so much more enjoyable It has been estimated that even with excellent instruction, all human endeavors will set aside 5% for mistakes. This is close to the alleged 5% failure rate of birth control pills. What I want to know is why we force women to be 100% sure, have all the health risks, and grow a mustached for a totally erroneous cause. All it takes is a trip to the corner drug store. |
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